Kirsten

Pets are more than just animals – they're members of the family.

Rest In Peace buddy

August 13, 1995 - September 9, 2008

I think most people have a sense of entitlement when it come to expecting honesty from other human beings. I think this is a behavior that we as a species have encouraged, because being able to count on honesty from others is beneficial to us as individuals. It helps to pare down the multiple realities behind each human interaction. It is an unspoken human contract- that we come to the exact same conclusion about everything. Honesty is expected of you, just like you expect honesty of others. If you are dishonest (and is is revealed), you are branded with that abominable stigmata, the Social Lable of Liar. You become the moth-hole in the wool sweater of society, one of the points from whence it begins to unravel.

And yet I've never been one to be bothered by the idea of such a label. I was aware at a very young age that there were no universal truths, that "truth" is determined according to each man- what he chooses to accept, what he excludes. Our truths conflict constantly, are constantly in stalemate. In many ways we are like a vast foam or a pointillist construction- we share a consistency, but when looked at closely we're just a bunch of little brightly colored circles trying to break inside of one another and blend together. Being a Liar has never bothered me. There are few people to whom I feel I owe the truth of my reality. But on the whole, I find that I am a reasonably honest person. Rather, I would describe myself as open to being honest, most of the time. Lying, at its heart, is really a defense mechanism, designed for self-preservation. To suggest that I had not developed such an instinct would be tantamount to saying that I am less evolved than the Liar! But does the honesty of such an admission betray me, and my ape-like, truth-telling ways?

Why do you lie about the things you lie about? Is it random? Are you hiding something? Or are you just tired of repeating the same answers, over and over again?

(11:11) Last night I had the unpleasant experience of listening to myself talk and realizing as I was talking, that I sounded like an asshole. The conversation was about love at first sight, and suddenly, without warning I found myself on the side those who are vehemently opposed to the existence of such a phenomenon. Listen to me, I thought, spewing my pragmatic and cynical dogma like I have some kind of idea what I'm talking about. What do I know about anything, anyway? And what was I saying? To hear me talk, one might think I've never fallen in love, that I haven't been made to acknowledge the power of Love to dominate us with irrationality. I talked about how you had to know a person before you could love them, but when I think about it now, it seems silly. How often do we love people despite what we know about them? How often do we fall in love with people who are imcompatible with us? Do we love people because they are a sum of qualities, a list of criteria? Lots of people try to love this way, but when the situation is really examined, it is, of course, only an idea that they love, and when the person behind it changes shape, they no longer fit together. It is more than romantic- there is something reassuring about the idea of someone falling in love with you simply because of your smile, or your eyes, or the way your hair smells, or your distinctive laugh. It suggests an esoteric love, a love outside the boundaries of change. Love at first sight is the best kind of love, because it takes you as you are, instantly encapsulating all of you, not picking and choosing which parts to disdain. Perhaps those who fall in love at first sight are better people- more enlightened, more open to Divine Intervention.

So where does that leave me? I arrogantly railed against the idea last night only because I've never fallen in love with another person at first sight. This is not to say I've never developed mad, romantic crushes at first sight, but I've also fallen in love more slowly, and know a difference. Later, as I was climbing into bed, it hit me- San Diego was my love at first sight. The subtext to my heartbeats, the ache in my mind when I wake, the desperate sense of devotion-- the feeling is just like love. And it happened instantly.

So maybe I need to quit talking.

Sometimes I wish i could go back there, to the time when I was young. back then I thought that mountains were sleeping creatures and would shift around late at night.
When I would squint my eyes out of the car and invision my secret protector spirits, the only ones who could save me from my family, wizzing by my window along with the 70 mile per hour scenery.
When I thought boys could make babies with each other but that didn't matter cause everyone had a penis... to the first time I heard music in a way that wrecked me, back to the magic of being 10 standing over a freeway pass and wanting nothing more than to jump off into the blur of oncoming color, but that would be returning to a hell that I couldn't survive twice. If you are young and felt the same let me assure you, it gets better.

I've been torn between two people I care about. Between just shutting up and telling everyone what I feel. Between tears and smiles. When I first want something... I lie in perfect honesty and push it away to satisfy everyone else.

Lately.. I really have just been at a loss for words for having so much to say. I feel as if I've said so much but it just isn't enough. My body breaks, but I am still intact inside. As human instinct, I can love unconditionally.
But you... You can breathe without oxygen and live without sorrow. It's so ironic that a heart is made by man, when felt broken is easily fixed.. but a human who doesn't want me to pursue my happiness can hurt can last a lifetime. What a shallow act of what he has no say in.


I feel as if I'm put in this position as if I were frozen in time. Silently we all are afraid of change, we'll continue on this same path and we shoulden't.. and thats why I'm willing to fight for what makes me happy. It's the points that are supposed to coincide that keep being missed. They never do connect if you don't fight for what you feel strongly about. I can't tell anymore if I had just been silently searching for a reason in the past- or if I had just given up... given in? [Which would be worse...?] When all I've done is put people and their happiness before me.. I suddenly realize when do I get mine? When do people stop taking advantage of my kindness and let me enjoy my own happiness? When? When does it end? .. and when does it start? I'm tired of getting the shit end of everything.

Each new day is a blank page in this spiral notebook... and I wonder who holds the pen as the lines consistently stray from my own design, beyond any understanding. These patterns never change, these feelings will not fade. Like permanent ink on this torn paper, you stain my memory, you will remain here forever.. this was not my design but I damn well have every intention of making it into a creation because there comes a time when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever. You realize that if you fall down and stay down, life will pass you by and though it wasn't my design, the only way to start any reconstruction is to take that pen into my own hands...
The past is a brief reflection, and the future is yet to be realized.
But today is here... and your own happiness comes first. I'm not willing to throw any of this away.. I didn't plan for anything to happen this way but it did.. and I soley believe everything happens for a reason.

Even though I'm young, I'm not sutpid. I've let to many opportunities slip away in my life time and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let things go his way this time. I won't let one person take away what makes me happy because things didn't work out the way he had planned. We all need to do what we feel in our hearts because we'll be damned if we do, and damned if we don't.

You only have one life, and life is to short to be anything BUT happy. Take chances. You have to take the good with the bad because if you don't it keeps getting pushed aside and it will eventually build up big enough to create your own rejection.. and that rejection.. becomes your own failure. Sometimes you have to put yourself first and its not a selfish act when you've spent your life trying to make others around you happy. Someone is always gonna be hurt.. and I refuse to let myself be that person again in this situation. Love who you are, and respect yourself by making yourself happy. You only have one life.. live it happily and surround yourself with the people who mean the world to you and make you feel great. The ones who chose to dwell will always be the ones trying to drag the rest of us down with them.. stop letting them get the best of us. I will never let anyone take that power away from me. I'm a lover AND a fighter and I long for happiness. There can be no light without darkness, no life without death, no happiness without sadness, no living without fighting.. for each defines the other. I will not just let things fade.. and I will not let someone surround me with their negativity especially if they can't even accept whats surfaced.

Pretend it's not forever, I'll pull this together. I'll save it, I won't forget it, I'll breathe and I'll say it never hurt and look at it as happiness. and laugh about the good and the bad...because I may not live forever, but this will come together... and never settle for anything less than what makes you happy.

I never used to be able to understand that fully but looking back at pictures that I was never in. I think I have come to an understanding of sorts. I do not know my best friend/my mother, or what she stands for or even who she is. she doesn't know me. I love her. It's all a memory I never had. I need some canvases so I can paint and can draw back from the world. I have put myself out there for much too long, and having a life as they say will be great but it makes me so uncomfortable. I hate getting absorbed up in memories. I know there is more to the world then the sweet security of shit. What I see I store away in my mind, hoping one day it will become useful. Right now I'm still lost. I don't want to sleep I don't want to watch TV I dont want to work…I just want to exist. I want to go somewhere and sit alone with my thoughts and forget about shit plain and simple. It eats away at me and I can't wait till I get more money and get way from everything regardless if its running away from things I have stored inside my mind. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of pain, suffering, the potential for future suffering. I feel as though I have finally had enough and am ready to kiss it all goodbye and experience happiness, uninterrupted. I feel as though I'm ready to start forgetting it all. I wonder why I remember so much, so vividly. Even though theres happiness in my life now, theres still that pain from before. I no longer feel estranged from the happiness around me, I try to take part and I try to understand it. Now I need to forget what used to be. It's becoming harder to do this but the more happiness I feel, the more strange it is for me to remember all the shit in between. Stuff far away that it has ceased feeling completely real. Just how do I turn off the memories? I remember to much ... to my own detriment really. I do a lot of repressing my memories all because I hated the feelings it gave me.


The sky looked like it was on fire this morning. The clouds were a slate blue and the edge was pink followed by red orange then yellow. Some things in life….the only real beauty is painted by nature and the universe where everything subconsciously co-exists.

Quick update before work.
So as you may know, I cut my hair off and died the bottom blonde. I like it alot better but I still don't want to do it.

I find I'm more tired and my days drag along at work. I had blood work done, and I had an EKG and ECKO done for my heart.. the ECKO at 9 this morning for my heart.

Some good news.. I talked to my cousin Linda in Florida, I miss her and the kids to death. I found out my cousin Michelle got remarried to someone in the Marines and had a beautiful baby boy... shes also moving to Los Angeles, California and she'd love the company! I was SO ecstatic to hear this news because I've been wanting to move there. and heres my opportunity. I'm gonna go. I just want out now. So we'll see..

I feel like there is no other solution to my problem. The escape is not out of my reach but is going to take time. I may smile and laugh at times but a smile only lasts a second. Laughter may be a cure but everything eventually falls back to where it was. I need to get out of here and go to a place that has more life to it. This town is fake like most of the people in it.

I'm lonely and I hate not having anyone to talk to. The ones I do, just related everything back to their own situation. As pathetic as it is, I think its why I get headaches all the time, the lack of talking to someone other than myself.

Work sucked. I don't know.. maybe its the fact that no one gives a shit there especially when it comes to their employees health. I mean really.. whats the worst that could happen if you choke on a dust ball? You die? Its so sickening that people can't even flush the fucking toilet, change the empty toilet paper roll or empty the overflowing garbage that looks like a homeless guys shopping cart. I'm tired of cleaning out the fridge and the shit at the bottom of it when people don't even appreciate it. Recently, I've stopped doing shit because hey I don't feel I need to. As everyone cleaned tonight for the meeting tomorrow, I stood behind the register.

Yesterday when I was at wal-mart I heard a daughter say to her mother "What kind of jobs do people with tattoos get?" I heard the mother say "Any low class job...really...it's so gross and they'll never be professionals or taken seriously."

For those of you who know me know that this really pissed me off. I went over to her and just said "yeah.. you know the really crappy ones where we sit in a closet or basement and are alone with their thoughts or sweat shops somewhere downtown."

People who have tattoos are no different than any other person who doesn't have them. First of all, its a way of showing our appreciation for art among other things. I can only speak for myself when I say that its also a therapy for me. Obviously since you have the audacity to say that shit then you judge people on the way they look which is unneccassary, pathetic, low.. and just complete bullshit. WE CAN DO ANYTHING. Most of those people are really creative and are self employed, making cool clothing, accessories, own their own shops, musicians, actors, models etc... Not to mention ALOT of jobs, not all but most of them hire you based on your expierience and talent anyway. Hell, the bankers where I do my shit financially have tattoos and gender-questionable individuals who are pierced and they havent lost anyones money. If you have the proper outlook and determination, you can do anything. We could even move elsewhere on the west coast if thats what we wanted since the people there aren't as ignorant and narrow-minded like the rest of the people in NY, in which all they do is rush everywhere, I don't see what makes them think they have the time to stop and get to know someone before judging them? My father always use to say "How can I judge someone when all I have to see is the cover". You agree with that? Then fuck you.

You look at people and base us on what stereotype we fall into when in reality your just letting the true asshole in you show whose unaccepting of others as we are.

It's true, if you have the right midset...anyone can do anything. Everyone I know is an amazing person with great talents, tattooed or not.

GET A TATTOO YOU FUCKIN PUSSY, Ciao.

"Life is your canvas. As a soul, you choose your starting colours - which are your body, your human personality, your country and family of birth. Then you come into your life, with your paint brushes and colours ready to begin the artwork called your life. This is where most people get stuck. They hand their brushes and paints over to others and wonder later why the painting called their life, is not what they wanted it to be. Your life is not anyone else's fault or responsibility. Your life purpose is to hold your paintbrushes with joy and to paint a picture of life that is true to you - it can never be right or wrong, you can't fail at it."


"Beauty is skin deep. A tattoo goes all the way to the bone. "
Vince Hemingson (PRODUCER / WRITER
TATTOO HISTORIAN / ADVENTURER)

I got home around 4 this morning, slept til 10 when I woke up drenched in sweat barely being able to move... and on top of that I had trouble breathing. I woke up went to my bathroom, layed there til I finally got the energy to get up and move back up onto my bed.. I moved from there to my floor back up onto my bed before I got downstairs to my couch.. needless to say I just coulden't find comfort in myself no matter where I tried to lay. I had one of the most constant and sharp pains that I have ever felt in my life. From my couch I called my uncle to help me until I somehow got into my bathroom downstairs screaming my moms name because my whole body just felt like it was falling apart and being stabbed over a thousand times. I ended up just finding myself laying in my bathtub because there was water left from someones previous shower just to try and cool myself down. I had a pillow with me so I could try and comfort myself no matter where the hell I was. My mom finally got up, called my stepdad who I guess thought I needed my appendix out because the pain was more towards my lower right abdomen. I don't know if it had anything to do with stress or what.. I've just been laying in bed up until now. Apparently my weight has dropped from 116 to 109 in the past few weeks and my discoloration was like that of a corpse. I just never have felt anything like this before. If you know what someone looks like when they're having a miscarriage.. from watching movies or just in general..for whatever reasons.. THAT is what it felt like. Honestly I had a feeling that my body was headed for a breakdown for a few reasons but this was a more worse feeling. Hopefully that never occurs again.

There's something in the way
that the night comes pouring down
upon this empty street as I am
nowhere to be found...
A lonely street lamp calls to me
in certain shades of grey,
but I can't find such comfort,
and so I look away...

Because I'm just passing time.
I'm just passing time...

Bleh.. contemplations of dying my hair burgundy. It seems like everytime I get sick of highlighted hair, I attempt to dye it a purple tint and once it finally is a purple tint, a couple months later, I want to change it again.

Drew and I broke up.

RIP Jess Blain
Remember a grave is only a curtain for the paradise behind..

You are everything to me. From the tears to the smiles, from the anger to the laughter. From the look in your eyes when we were screaming,
to the pleading in mine as the tears escaped,
I know that I am nothing..... but you,
You are everything.

Forgive me for being so distant lately...i dont mean to be..its just that whenever i sink so deeply like this, i'd rather going through it all alone then letting anyone else get involved in my troubles. I know i havent been online much lately or talking to alot of people...or trying to help those with troubles.. but i cant even help myself lately...

I dont know that ill ever be okay. I cant promise that to anyone any more. As much as I try, ill always break down, why cant you understand this? I'll never be the pretty vision of life. Why can't you just accept me for who I am. Always judging me, always bringing me down to my own feet. Im falling into the embrace of madness but all anyone does is turn away, leaving me to find my own way out of the darkness. Im exhausted. My mind, my body is numbed with pain. My eyes burn from all infernal. Dont close your eyes on me. I too pray someday, this will all go away. I can't handle this anymore. Either show me or dont say anything at all. No one understands how i feel, not even i know how to explain this at times, but ill get over that. I pray ill get over it all. When i'm rushed into happiness, its only for a little while. You'll be pushing me into the deepest pit of nothingness. why cant you all just fucking understand this. this is me, this is how i shall stay til i can free my mind, and it will never help with all the voices yelling in my ears to get happy. shut the hell up.

i guess thats all i have to say for now. Theres lots more crossing my mind, but i better do the right thing and keep it to myself before i ruin the only other things i have left. I love you all who have been there, trying to help me. Im sorry im so difficult. I dont mean to be like this. I guess ive just grown into this person.

Here... a little sympathy for you to waste on me.
I know you're faking it but that's okay. And I don't want to drag it out, don't want to bring you down... I never wanted it to end this way.
So here, a little jealousy - I hope you think of me. I hope you wonder where I sleep at night... Because I feel like I'm inside out, you've got me upside down.
Maybe I was holding on too tight?
So I guess that this is over now. I guess it's called the falling out... but everyday I'm learning how to make it through this life I'm in. And even if I wanted to, I don't think that I'd get to you. There's nothing more I feel I can say to you. So you don't say goodbye to me, just turn your back away and leave.
If you're lucky I will be your last regret, your only friend.
I can't lose another day here... so I'll sew this up with threads of reason and regret and eventually I will forget. Tonight is the last tear I shed for you, I don't even know why I'm thinking of you. Coincidentally the mark of exactly nine months that I've wasted, hosting such deception like this.
And I don't feel bad if you stumble across any of these words. They're the only things filling the void that you so carelessly left open since May. When you can admit some of these things to yourself, maybe you will stop being so angry. Hate me because I can actually feel, scold me for having emotions.
Nothing will ever change the way that I felt, but I need to move on.

"in gOD we trust" is the most clever, mass-hypnosis SCAM ever perpetuated by man since the dawn of his existence. Wasn't it a christian who said something about money and the root of all EVIL?
If you haven't yet realized that CHRISTIAN AMERICA'S goodguy badges, pseudo morality, and selective judgements decide for us what's "RIGHT" and what's "WRONG" according to what benefits them (e.g. "don't spend your money on that, it's evil! give it to jesUS!") then you've been asleep at the wheel too goddamn long!
WaKE uP!

In this SPECTACULAR world you at least get what you pay for. That's capitalism, what makes the country great. WHY should you pay for faith? Would you buy a car that you've never ever seen?? Christianity is exploiting america's faith and prostituting their minds through a deceitful media that poisons housewives with talk show TRASH that makes us out to be heavy-metal-devil worshipping cannibals. The BIGGER the lie, the more people buy it, and as long as the sales are good the lies just get bigger and more expensive.
Psychiatrists, preacher-men, and new-age-bullshit artists terrify us into believing we have problems that ONLY their self-righteous hands can deal. (FUCK that.)

$alvation! FUCKING-Amen! Enlightened brothers and sisters free yourself! Die for your own sins, sell your soul to yourself, you'll make more money. Invest in YOU and put the bible-belt-wearing-pro-life-redneck-record-burning-fundamental-fag-bashing HYPOCRITES out of business so they can wallow in their SELF MADE feeble-minded HELL.
Hallelujah motherfuckers.

It all started with.. Natalee Halloway.. the 3 missing boys found in the trunk of a car, then the car accident with the 3 sisters, 2 twin sixteen year olds and one thirteen year old just right down the street from me, driving to their summer camp one morning, smashed right into a telephone pole as the one drifted off into sleep. The thirteen year old- braindead. They coulden't get her out with all the wires being in the way and the position the tree fell. Fifteen year old Brittany Jackson last year, found dead in an open grave killed by a family friend, and I almost forgot about Samantha Runion, 5, kidnapped from her home in California and murdered.

I really can't help it, even if it's people, even though I'm not a super hero.. I'm not a slayer, nor am I a genie, I may come off like someone who doesn't care but on the inside I do, especially when it comes to seeing children in pain, poverty, kidnapping, raped, beaten and killed, I care. I do know that anyone can save someone's life, but they have yet to show it.

I've researched alot about what happened in Idaho. And poor Shasta. For one that monster should have NEVER been on the streets because this world has gone insane more then ever. I mean would you rather it be too late and have you daughter or son in the arms of a man for seven weeks. Do you know how long that is? How many nights? Just think of the horror that 8 year old child went threw. Thats heart breaking. I don't know people ask why I care? Or they don't see why I care. Why should I care about people I don't know? Well simple I have three nephews and 5 neices (big family) all between the ages of 7 months old to 17 years old. I also recently started babysitting the new neighboor girl Paige who's about 10....

These people are out in this world... walking.. waiting any second they get and it kills me. Instead of waiting for who's next, people should do something about it, I don't exactly know what. It could be anyone. Today something very weird happened. I was looking at the store prog for back to school. Now I know I'm about to sound insane, well this was my second time looking I have no idea. It said something about London Calling ... I remember.. London was in bold but I looked at it..it got bolder....yes I'm insane.. but I'm seriously not joking. Hours, hours later. Rich comes and gets me and he tells me about what happened, then I remembered the feeling I got- Bush says we'll find out who did this.. personally I think Bush is relieved it wasn't us, personally I think Bush sucks and he isn't going to do shit.. WHEN London is gorgeous and just as important, killing 37, wounding 700, it's just a shame , seriously.... I know I'm obsessing over the news.. it's horrible. But I can't help it. Its not really the news, I search online news also to get more of the story.

I have alot of hate in me but all honesty, if I saw people hanging off the side of a ferry and aliens where coming I'd save them, if zombies where attacking and saw a pregnant lady running down the street screaming I'd save her. If I saw the person I hated with an intense passion about to become roadkill on the Tapanzee Bridge, I'd attempt to jump out in traffic and save her. I watched too much Buffy and Angel at one point. I secretly have heroism or something even though it may not seem like it or it doesn't show, haha. I don't think I even have anyone I consider a hero. Nobody listens to me when I know what I'm talking about, they only listen to me when I'm crazy. How can you hide from what never goes away? We never get away from ourselves because these things never go away. Out of context and out of mind.
Whats this mean? Being bad, doing the bad thing by whose judgment? Good, evil..they are really just words.. concepts of morality they forced around your neck to yank you wherever they please.


Chicks on speed I hope your safe.. I would fall into a deep depression.
My aunt Joanne, the biggest heroin addict I know but I accept that, and the fact if I was standing right next to her in a supermarket, she woulden't know who I was once again, be safe. ::talks to a wall::
Apartment26, your my favorite U.K. boys :-[
Nina, Jennifer, and Ellen as well as others.

I have myself convinced that no ones really going to read it due to the fact.. my entries have been longer than usual lately.

NOTICE
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
Persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
Persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.

Comment if you'd like to be added.. and I'll most likely add you back. I will definitely add you back if you know who wrote the quote above.